I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Randomize
