my phone needs a breathalizer
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
