i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
