Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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