just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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