I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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