too bad you live with your parents still
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
