There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
