I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
