So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
