He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
