I wish life had little blips of pornography
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
