we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
