The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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