My cat gives me a boner
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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