She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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