69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
this will be a night to untag.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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