i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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