Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I love you.
Bad choice
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
