'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
All the doctor said was why
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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