This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just threw up on my dentist
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
