You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
