i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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