these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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