I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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