Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
