Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he fucked my hip out of place.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
