i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
