I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
