know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
