one two three fourrrrnication!
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
