I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Be still, my beating vagina.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
