Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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