someone threw a dead crab at me
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
