last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
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I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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