I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
