I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
