I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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