I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
