I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
