life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I party with great urgency now.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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