in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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