she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
