Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
