i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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