Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
