A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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