I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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