im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
