Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Can I color on your dick again?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
