i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
