the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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