If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
