I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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