I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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