You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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