I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
