he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
