somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
